Diann's off until tomorrow, so I thought I post my alma mater's bad fiction Winners. My personal fave is the runner-up, but what say you? Anyone want to try their hand at it?


Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
2008 Results

Winner:Grand Prize

Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and
like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their
bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through
manhole covers stamped "Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J."

Garrison Spik
Washington, D.C.

Runner-Up

"Hmm . . ." thought Abigail as she gazed languidly from the veranda
past the bright white patio to the cerulean sea beyond, where dolphins
played and seagulls sang, where splashing surf sounded like the
tintinnabulation of a thousand tiny bells, where great gray whales
bellowed and the sunlight sparkled off the myriad of sequins on the
flyfish's bow ties, "time to get my meds checked."
Andrew Bowers

Winner: Adventure

Leopold looked up at the arrow piercing the skin of the dirigible with
a sort of wondrous dismay -- the wheezy shriek was just the sort of
sound he always imagined a baby moose being beaten with a pair of
accordions might make.
Shannon Wedge
New Hampshire

Winner: Children's Literature

Joanne watched her fellow passengers - a wizened man reading about
alchemy; an oversized bearded man-child; a haunted, bespectacled young
man with a scar; and a gaggle of private school children who chatted
ceaselessly about Latin and flying around the hockey pitch and the
two-faced teacher who they thought was a witch - there was a story
here, she decided.
Tim Ellis
Haslemere, U.K.

Winner: Detective

Mike Hummer had been a private detective so long he could remember
Preparation A, his hair reminded everyone of a rat who'd bitten into
an electrical cord, but he could still run faster than greased owl
snot when he was on a bad guy's trail, and they said his friskings
were a lot like getting a vasectomy at Sears.
Robert B. Robeson
Lincoln, Nebraska

Winner: Fantasy Fiction

"Toads of glory, slugs of joy," sang Groin the dwarf as he trotted
jovially down the path before a great dragon ate him because the
author knew that this story was a train wreck after he typed the first
few words.
Alex Hall
Greeley, CO

Winner: Historical Fiction

As she watched the small form swing backwards and forth from the
crystal chandelier - hands on hips, sniffing the air and squeaking
inaudibly - it suddenly became clear to Madame de Pompomme that she
had done the wrong thing asking Jacques to find and bring back her
long-lost sister: for, whilst her coterie would doubtless be enchanted
for a short while, the novelty of Janine having been raised by bats
since the age of two in caves of the North-west Congo would soon wear
off in seventeenth-century France.
Simon Terry
Broadfield, Crawley, West Sussex, U.K.

Winner: Purple Prose

The mongrel dog began to lick her cheek voraciously with his sopping
wet tongue, so wide and flat and soft, a miniature pink fleshy cape
soaked through and oozing with liquid salivary gratitude; after all,
she had rescued him from the clutches of Bernard, the curmudgeonly
one-eyed dogcatcher, whose own tongue -- she remembered vividly the
tongues of all her lovers -- was coarse and lethargic, like a slug in
a sandpaper trenchcoat.
Christopher Wey
Pittsburgh, PA

Winner: Romance

Bill swore the affair had ended, but Louise knew he was lying, after
discovering Tupperware containers under the seat of his car, which
were not the off-brand containers that she bought to save money, but
authentic, burpable, lidded Tupperware; and she knew he would see that
woman again, because unlike the flimsy, fake containers that should
always be recycled responsibly, real Tupperware must be returned to
its rightful owner.
Jeanne Villa
Novato, CA

Runner-Up

Like a mechanic who forgets to wipe his hands on a shop rag and then
goes home, hugs his wife, and gets a grease stain on her favorite
sweater - love touches you, and marks you forever.
Beth Fand Incollingo
Haddon Heights, N.J.

Winner: Science Fiction

Timothy Hanson, Commander of the 43rd Space Regiment in the 52nd
Battalion on board the USAOPAC (United Space Alliance Of Planets
Attack Carrier) and second in command to Admiral L. R. Morris of the
USAOP Space Command, awoke early for breakfast.
Joe Schulman
Cartersville, GA

Runner-Up

Lightning flashed from the blue-black sky of this alien world and
shattered the engines of the spaceship, destroying Reninger's last
chance of escaping and reminding him of the time his sister returned
from New York with the tips of her hair dyed blue, except for the part
about the lightning and the spaceship.
Mark Murata
Kirkland, WA

Winner: Spy Fiction

Special agent Mark Park's strong chin and firm mouth showed that he
was a man to be reckoned with, while his twinkling blue eyes revealed
surprising depths of kindness and humor, the scar on his cheek a past
filled with violence and danger, and his left ear a fondness for M and
Ms, but only the red ones.

John R. Cooper
Portland, Oregon

Winner: Vile Puns

Vowing revenge on his English teacher for making him memorize
Wordsworth's "Intimations of Immortality," Warren decided to pour
sugar in her gas tank, but he inadvertently grabbed a sugar substitute
so it was actually Splenda in the gas.
Becky Mushko
Penhook, VA

Winner: Western

Nobody knew just who the steely-eyed stranger was, where he came from,
where he was headed, or what his intentions were while he was in Dodge
City; but he wasn't an hombre you'd want to stick your tongue out at
or flip off, and any man who tried to tickle him would be asking for a
long stay in a pine box, if you know what I mean.
David McKenzie
Federal Way, WA