Girls Write Out
Friday, September 03, 2010

Do you know that book? (Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day) Mine wasn't that bad, just a series of humiliations that sort of added up to 54 (my IQ points for the day!)

First off, I'm going to Indiana for the ACFW Writers' Conference in the middle of this month, so naturally, I booked my flight well in advance. Except I didn't and so today, the airfare was $570! I'm not going to ITALY people. That's INDIANA. But on a happy note, I had almost enough Visa points because I haven't really figured that system out. Today I figured it out.

After fourteen or so loads of laundry, I went to the mall with a purpose. And you know, you can never find anything when you're looking. I'm ready for my Fall handbag. I said I would not buy one until the Fall. Even my kids are impressed. I wanted either a deep slate blue, navy or eggplant one. I was dressed like a slob. You can't go to the mall and get help when you're dressed like a snob. Except at Nordstrom. Thank you Nordy's. But I had khaki shorts on, unironed and they were covered with green flecks of the yarn from my knitting project (a hat, that is currently sort of sad, but I'm hoping my knitting group at the coffee shop can help me tomorrow.) I looked so bad, that even the guy in the center of the mall hawking the steamer iron -- didn't even bother.

Since I don't wear eye shadow, and Colleen is always nagging me about eye shadow when we dress up, I dropped into a store and looked at some colors. I found one that matched my gown and asked if I could try it on. (My first mistake.) They send me over the "representative" who I did not see until it was too late. I don't know why it is, and if this is racist forgive me for stereotyping, but Asian women really know how to use eye shadow. However, this one apparently missed the memo. Which is not a good thing because she is coming at me with a brush full of sparkle.

Instinctively, I back away. My brain running through excuses. My dog ate my homework...oh, was that my cell phone I just heard?? But it's too late. By the time I'm done, I look like the rainbow fish was in my neighborhood and left a glittery fin. So let me give you this beautiful image of me in wrinkly khaki shorts, covered with green yard bits and now sporting blue eyeshadow circa 1970. Um, I remember this the first time, and it wasn't good then, lady.

So now I'm having this inner turmoil. Do I buy this ugly stuff that makes me look like a streetwalker, who is not going to get much? Or do I stand up for myself and say, um, thank you but no...

I wimp out. I am the proud owner of two ugly eyeshadows (not the FOUR she tried to sell me, so there is that.) This all started because my best friend told me to go to Mac and get the guy to put on eye shadow and draw me a picture. But I went into that store and felt old, and promptly walked out.

So the happy news is that I realized later I bought it at Nordstrom's, and I can take it back. I WILL take it back. I have a three day weekend to do so, and another few weeks to remind Colleen why I don't wear eye shadow. It's not meant to be.

I ended up with no handbag (since I quickly dashed to my car to spit-wipe off my eyes), disco makeup and thank goodness, a Lush bath bomb for myself. I'll need it because I'm doing a devotional with four fabulous, humorous women. (Debby Mayne, Sandra Bricker, Diann Hunt and Trish Perry) and came home to see my overzealous self imitating Cyndi Lauper. The results weren't fantastic after the day I've had.And Elle accidentally broke my toe this week, so I don't know that I am going to be able to wear heels with my gown anyway. I definitely got up on the wrong side of the bed today. But I think God had a good laugh on my account today.
posted at 10:07 PM  
  Comments (8)
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At 12:06 AM, Blogger Pam S. said...

I LOVED this post. It was hilarious. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has Alexander days.

At 12:21 AM, Blogger Kristin said...

I don't know why it feels like those days are such failures, but I think it's that we have a plan, and like our lives, God laughs at our plans. LOL

At 10:16 AM, Blogger Ane Mulligan said...

I laughed over this post, Kristin, because ... well, that's me. Although I do use brown eyeshadow, mainly to camouflage the bags above my eyes (why do I have bags above my eyes?). But I don't wear it on a regular basis. I dress like a slob but love designer handbags. What's with that? Anyway, it's good to know I'm not alone. And hey, since God's watching us, we may as well be entertaining!

At 2:52 PM, Blogger Hannah Alexander said...

Even on your bad days, you're hilarious, Kris.

At 6:01 PM, Blogger Kristin said...

Ane, I bought myself a new handbag today, and I was wearing my yoga pants and tennies at the Nordstrom Rack. Listen, who cares what you dress like if the bag speaks for you, right?

At 9:46 PM, Blogger Crystal Mazzuca said...

Maybe you could wear some neon Nike's with your gown to go with the disco eyeshadow - 80's is in, right?

At 3:09 PM, Blogger Ashley said...

So I am guiltily admitting that I have never read one of your books (I just found myself on here "stalking" Colleen Coble), but after reading this blog entry--and subsequently laughing loud enough to startle my 3-month old--I am completely won over! I can't wait to hit the bookstore this afternoon and start reading!!! :)

At 3:13 PM, Blogger Colleen Coble said...

Too funny, K!!!! I could do so much with your eyes! And I plan to this weekend. :-)


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The Authors
Kristin Billerbeck
Kristin Billerbeck is a proud Californian, wife, mother of four, and connoisseur of the irrelevant. She writes Christian Chick Lit; where she finds need for most of the useless facts lulling about in her head.

Colleen Coble

Colleen Coble writes romantic suspense with a strong atmospheric element. A lovable animal of some kind--usually a dog--always populates her novels. She can be bribed with DeBrand mocha truffles.

Denise Hunter

Denise Hunter writes women's fiction and love stories with a strong emotional element. Her husband says he provides her with all her romantic material, but Denise insists a good imagination helps too.

Diann Hunt

Diann Hunt writes romantic comedy and humorous women's fiction. She has been happily married forever, loves her family, chocolate, her friends, chocolate, her dog, and well, chocolate.

Hannah Alexander

Cheryl Hodde writes romantic medical suspense under the pen name of Hannah Alexander, using all the input she can get from her husband, Mel, for the medical expertise. For fun she hikes and reads. Out of guilt, she rescues discarded cats. She and Mel are presently taking orders from four pampered strays.

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