Girls Write Out
Thursday, December 14, 2006

Sometimes I think I’m cursed. Okay, not really, but it just seems like weird things always happen to me. Like the time (eight years ago) when I first got braces. I was a court reporter, and I had to swear in my first witness after said braces were attached to my teeth. It went something like this:

“In the testhtimony you’re about to give, do you stholemnly swear or affirm to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

To which the witness answered: “Yesth, I do.”

I couldn’t believe the nerve of this guy to make fun of me. I mean, isn’t it bad enough that a forty-two-year-old woman is wearing braces? But when the attorney begins his questioning, I realize the man was not making fun of me. He had a speech impediment.

I was a court reporter for ten years, and that was the only time I came across a witness with a speech impediment. What were the chances?

Then there’s the time my foot got caught in a floor register at church and when I lifted my shoe, the whole register lifted out of the floor. Never mind that the entire church was waiting on me (I was filing in with the choir to be seated). What did I do? I stood there with my foot hiked, the register dangling from my heel and I laughed. And laughed. And laughed some more. Just so you know, the congregation laughed with me, someone behind me pulled the register off my shoe and the service proceeded as usual--though the heel of my shoe was never the same.

I just have to know. Do weird things ever happen to you?
Diann Hunt  
posted at 3:30 AM  
  Comments (25)
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At 6:52 AM, Blogger Katy said...

Girl, girl. I have more weird things happen to me than you could shake a heat register at!! But this is about YOU! I read your post on another site about how nervous you are to have kind of an official role in your church's Christmas program, and NOW I KNOW WHY!!! Visions of heat registers dance in your head!

Where are those sugarplums when we need them?

Katy McKenna

At 7:30 AM, Blogger Diann Hunt said...

Come on, Katy, spill your guts. I KNOW you have a story to share, so let's hear it, girl!!!! I need a good laugh to start my day!

At 9:08 AM, Blogger Katy said...

OK, but we warned that this is GROSS! In 1981, I went through a terrible period healthwise. I worked in a grocery store, where I had one of my "episodes" one night. First, the "lights" started to fade. Then my hands and feet went numb, and I knew it was beginning. I ran to the bathroom, where I had diarrhea and threw up at the same time. Then I had a seizure and passed out.

My husband came to scrape me off the floor and wisely called an ambulance. In a single moment of lucidity before the paramedics arrived, I told him that I must have had an "accident" while I was passed out, and that he would HAVE to help me get my underwear off and my jeans back on.

He got all this accomplished while I faded in and out of consciousness. The next thing I remember is being laid out on the concrete floor, the paramedics (three men and a chick named Fiona) ripping my shirt off and cutting my bra off, prepping to attach electrodes for an EKG.

As one unzipped my jeans, I remembered my mother's training and wisecracked with the EMTs. "At least I wore clean underwear!"

They gave each other funny looks, but didn't laugh. I didn't realize until DAYS later that I'd been completely pantyless!

Katy McKenna

At 9:51 AM, Blogger Pam S. said...

Twice my slip (Mind you, it was two different slips!) fell down around my ankles when I was out in public. Both times I had to step out of the slip and put it in my purse. The most embarrassing moment happened when I was working (temporarily) for a Turkish pharmaceutical company, testing their employees' English levels. Right before I left the apartment (wearing my best black suit), I ducked under the clothesline (hanging in our hallway) to get my trenchcoat. When I showed up at the firm and gave my trenchcoat to a secretary, I discovered a pair of pantyhose had fallen off the clothesline and were now hanging around my neck. I quickly shoved the pantyhose in my briefcase. Later, I asked one of the Turkish employees if she had noticed the pantyhose around my neck. "Oh, yes," she said, "but I thought it was a new American style."

At 9:54 AM, Blogger Pam S. said...

P.S. Diann and Katy--loved your stories. Made me feel more normal.

At 10:08 AM, Blogger Kristy Dykes said...

Oh, man, we pastor a church. I have enough bloopers/quirky things that have happened to me, that I could write the proverbial book.

I wrote about one experience in the book Help! I'm A Pastor's Wife. It's the opening scene of my chapter (a compilation book).

We've sold our church. We're meeting in the decrepit town armory while building a new church. It's a Wed. night. The crowd is small. Nature calls. I'm pregnant, so it calls often. I have an almost three-year-old, an incessant chatterer.

I take her hand, head for the bathroom, know the lights aren't working on the second floor where the ladies' room is, decide to go to the nearby men's room.

Nobody'll know, I reason. it's a slim crowd. I'll be quick.

Toddler is talking her head off. I am, too, as I approach the door and open it, more to ease my nervousness at my miscreant deed than for any other reason. "Mommy's going to slip in here quick-like, and if you see anybody, you just tell Mommy, okay?"

Yack, yack, yack, she says.

Eegads, the lights don't work in here either, I discover as I flip the switch.

I find a folding chair in the hall, prop the door open to get a shaft of light, and head for the nearest, doorless stall in a long row of doorless stalls.

I position Talking Toddler in front of the stall, facing me (and the rest of the doorless stalls) as I drape the seat with t. paper.

"Now, you just tell Mommy if you see anybody, okay?" I say, still nervous.

Yack, yack, yack, she says.

I'm still draping in the dark.

I turn around to get ready to accomplish what I need to accomplish.

It's then that I tune in to her words.

"I see somebody," she's saying. "I see somebody."


"Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," I scream as I grab her hand and flee.

Nature shut up immediately, I slipped back into the service, and on the way home when I told Milton, he almost died laughing.

My brother-in-law, upon hearing the story, said the man sitting in the stall next to me probably had his finger to his lips in a Please Be Quiet Stance to Talking Toddler.

We never did know who the man was.

Probably the head deacon.

At 10:19 AM, Blogger Diann Hunt said...

Oh my goodness, these stories are HILARIOUS!!!!!

Leave it to you, Katy, to worry about your underwear at a time like that!

Pam, the trendsetter, WOW! Great story! But be warned--NEVER look at Katy and I as "normal." LOL!

Kristy, what a hoot!!! Wouldn't you LOVE to know who was in there that day? Tooooooo funny!

At 10:21 AM, Blogger Ane Mulligan said...

Oh my do they ever! The funniest was the first time I ever used a shredder. It was in the early 80s. I wore a new blouse that day, with a lovely navy chiffon tie at the neck.

Are you getting the picture?

As I leaned over to feed the paper in, the shredder caught the end of the tie and yanked me in!

Fortunately, I grabbed the knotted part and pulled myself free, but my lovely tie hung in shreds!

I started to laugh, then as I returned to my desk, I passed the V.P.'s office. He looked up and saw my tie and almost fell over backwards in his chair! LOL

Apparently, the whole scene spoke for itself with those shreds haning beneath my chin. :o)

At 11:57 AM, Blogger Katy said...

I'm DYING laughing here! Which means you all might want to flee FAST. Cause I have a history of not dying pretty.... :)

Poor Pam. It's sad when it takes the likes of me to make you feel better!!!! You gotta raise your standards, woman!

Katy McKenna

At 11:58 AM, Blogger Julie Carobini said...

What's a floor register--lol. Tell me, tell me.

At 12:02 PM, Blogger Katy said...

Kristy's bathroom story reminded me of another one. When my oldest son was two or three, and talking non-stop, I still had to take him into the ladies room with me when we were out in public.

One day in the bathroom, he observed an extremely enormous woman and said LOUDLY, "Mommy, that lady is really FAT!"

I scooted him out of there, embarrassed to death, and told him how we can't say words like FAT out loud around others, because it would hurt their feelings. He understood, bright child that he is.

The next time we were in that same store, in the bathroom, we saw a lady every bit as large. I hoped and prayed Scott would remember our lesson from a couple weeks earlier. He did.

"Mommy!" he said LOUDLY. "Did you see how SKINNY that lady is?"

After that, I stopped taking him out in public.

Katy McKenna

At 1:15 PM, Blogger Kayla said...

Mine isn't as good as some of these, but it was still humiliating!

Near the end of 8th grade, I was accepted into a scholars program. It was the first year of the program, so the directors were very excited and had us come to the host college a couple hours away for an induction ceremony. There were 45 new students, most that I had never seen before but that I would be spending time with over the next four years.

We were getting a tour of the campus and I was chattering a mile a minute with my mom and a friend that came with us. Somehow, even though I was good at walking in my dress shoes and had a secure hold on the railing, I tumbled down almost a whole flight of stairs.

In a skirt.

At 3:20 PM, Blogger Katy said...

My MIL, a couple of years ago when she was 83, didn't quite realize how much weight she'd lost and was resisting buying new clothes. Her things were sizes 18 up to 22, and she'd dropped to an 8 rather suddenly due to illness.

She went to church one day and when she raised her arms during worship, her pants fell ALL THE WAY to the floor. I said, "Oh, Adele, how embarassing. What did you do?"

She said, "I just pulled them up and praised the Lord!"

Katy McKenna, whose best stories seem to revolve around bathrooms and underwear. :)

At 6:16 PM, Blogger Kristin Billerbeck said...

I am ROLLING!!! Oh and Di has another good story about the beach and a bikini, we'll see if she shares. LOL She is totally one of those people things happen to, but I gotta say, Katy is currently taking the prize. With Ane following with the shredded shirt. That is hysterical. Mine seems stupid, but once I got first place in a figure skating contest and when I went to collect my trophy, I'd left my skate guards on and did a face plant in front of the whole audience. LOL

At 6:43 PM, Blogger Diann Hunt said...

A face plant in front of the audience? No way, Kristin! I hadn't heard that story!! LOL! What is it about us?

And NO, I will NOT tell the beach story. Not even for chocolate, so don't even think about it.

At 9:41 PM, Anonymous Suzanne Schaffer said...

Things happen to me so often that I sometimes don't even notice them anymore.
Last winter I fell on the sidewalk outside of the Kohl's dept store. I didn't just fall, I fell flat on my face, ripped a hole in the knee of my pants, scraped my hand and my purse emptied all over the sidewalk. Cars stopped. People ran up to me, "Ma'am, are you ok?" It was horrible. The worst part was that I was starting a merchandising job there that day and I had to go to customer service and ask for a band-aid for my bloodied hand.

I have inadvertantly used a mens room (didn't know until I heard someone going in the stall next to me and their stream sounded different to mine.)

Last week I followed an old woman into the bathroom at Target to observe what I now call the "drop-n-plop" She stepped into the stall, dropped her drawers and plopped herself onto the seat WITH THE DOOR OPEN....eewwwwww. I so totally did not want to see that.

As a pastors wife I have many stories of bizarre things, but I am saving a few of them for later use. One that comes to mind-an angry church member who asked for all of his tithes back. Honest.

At 1:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFLOL!! These stories are just too much! I can definately relate. My husband regularly laughs at my lack of grace.

We had been living in this house for two years when one night before bed I was standing just inside the door way to the living-room. We had finished watching a movie and I stepped back in to turn the t.v. off. The lights were off in the main area of the house, but there was a soft glow coming from the bedroom to light my way. I had just pushed the power button on the remote when I turned around to leave and walked straight into the wall. I mean, we're talking full-broadside of the wall. I didn't just clip a corner of the doorway - I missed it altogether. It made this really loud BANG and my husband shouts out, "You okay?" I started laughing. My head was pounding, but it was just too funny. When he came out to see what had happened, he couldn't believe his eyes. He kept saying, "You ran into the wall?"

Also, I'm a disaster when I shop. It's like I'm in my own little world oblivious to others around me. I run into people, shelves, you name it. I block complete aisles, unaware that someone wants to get by. My husband jokes that he comes along just to guide me and protect the innocent bystanders! LOL!

But the best, BY FAR, is my cousin. I'm telling one on her because she is just TOOOO funny!! I keep telling her to write a book with all her funny mishaps! I'd buy it just for a good laugh! This girl has made cat-food casserole (the cans were unlabeled; she made her boyfriend-at-the-time eat it), cooked her clothes in her oven, drove more than a mile on a quad IN REVERSE (couldn't figure out the gears). I could go on and on. But here's one of the best. She was teaching English and on her way to class she realized that she had forgot to shave her armpits and was wearing a tank top. No problem. She made a quick stop at the drug store to pick up some of that no-shave hair removal stuff. She whips it out and lathers some on, then continues on her drive to work. In a hurry, she rushes to class and begins teaching only to realize that there is a funny smell and her armpits are really beginning to hurt. At the end of the day, she reads through the instructions - you're supposed to leave it on for only 5 MINUTES! She had burnt the hair under her arms and had actually burnt off some of the skin as well. It took a long time to heal!

Anyways, keep these stories coming. I'm loving it! It's nice to know there are others out there! :-)


At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh no, weird things like that never happen to me. ;) LOL.

Okay, one story. I was in Spain teaching a computer class for my company at a newspaper.

I went to the bathroom.

Covered the seat with those brown paper towels.

Did my business. Went back to class.

Started teaching.

My interpreter walked up behind me and said, "What's this?"

And pulls out a brown paper towel.

All of them got caught in my pants and I wore them out of the bathroom.


Without missing a beat, I backed up to the trash can, still talking, and pulled them out and never ever mentioned it again.

True story.

At 9:35 AM, Blogger Diann Hunt said...

Okay, Rachel, you win!!!! WOW!!! It's like they say, "No job is finished until the paperwork is done." ;-)

At 9:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

In the early 70's wigs were popular and I wore one to work and on weekends. One day I was at the mall and heading for the car when a big gust of wind took my wig and it rolled down the parking lot like a tumble weed in the desert. Everyone, including hubby had a good laugh on me.

At 10:47 AM, Blogger Katy said...

OK, this is REALLY gross.

My sister has always had horrible PMS, and not just one week out of the month, either. Let's just say she's been in a bad mood for a while.

One day at the public school where she's a counselor, she'd just come out of the restroom after taking care of some monthly business. She was extremely grouchy, felt awful, and wished she could just go home.

As she grumbled her way down the hall, the janitor stopped her. "Ms. McDougal, I hate to say anything, pad is showing."

My freaked-out sister danced in place and nearly died a thousand times before he pointed and added, "Your shoulder pad."

Katy McKenna

At 12:27 PM, Blogger Ane Mulligan said...

"No job is finished until the paperwork is done." ;-)

I can't believe you said that, Diann!!! ROFLOL

At 2:45 PM, Blogger Diann Hunt said...


At 10:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was driving home from school on Wednesday (a 3 hour trek) and my belt decided to die and I had to pull off the country highway in the middle of nowhere to a side street. I was on some grass across the street from a house. After much looking and poking around the car looking for who knows what and consulting with my Dad on the phone I continued on my homeward voyage. As I pulled away from the house I saw an older couple sticking their heads out from behind their garage, laughing at my car and it's high pitched squealing noise. It was in that moment that I realized, that yes, things happen to me!

At 11:35 PM, Blogger Angela Breidenbach said...

Okay, so I'm a Lutheran Liturgist. I went through an entire service dragging my miniscule little microphone around on the floor. At the end, the pastor reached over and hand over hand pulled it up to give it to me. LOL, this is a minor one compared to so many others...


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The Authors
Kristin Billerbeck
Kristin Billerbeck is a proud Californian, wife, mother of four, and connoisseur of the irrelevant. She writes Christian Chick Lit; where she finds need for most of the useless facts lulling about in her head.

Colleen Coble

Colleen Coble writes romantic suspense with a strong atmospheric element. A lovable animal of some kind--usually a dog--always populates her novels. She can be bribed with DeBrand mocha truffles.

Denise Hunter

Denise Hunter writes women's fiction and love stories with a strong emotional element. Her husband says he provides her with all her romantic material, but Denise insists a good imagination helps too.

Diann Hunt

Diann Hunt writes romantic comedy and humorous women's fiction. She has been happily married forever, loves her family, chocolate, her friends, chocolate, her dog, and well, chocolate.

Hannah Alexander

Cheryl Hodde writes romantic medical suspense under the pen name of Hannah Alexander, using all the input she can get from her husband, Mel, for the medical expertise. For fun she hikes and reads. Out of guilt, she rescues discarded cats. She and Mel are presently taking orders from four pampered strays.

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