Girls Write Out
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I've noticed a phenomenon now that I'm getting older. I'm sure it was always there, but I'm just noticing it. We've had quite a few men whose wives have died. Within six month or so, they are dating. One was even remarried in three months after being a devoted husband to his wife of over fifty years.

At first, I was dismayed and not a little disgusted. Was all their devotion just a sham? This week we found out yet another friend was dating again after his wife died about eight months ago.

I told Dave that after seeing this happen over and over again, I was sure that if I went on to heaven first, he'd replace me in no time so I didn't have to worry about him. The women would be lining up to snag my handsome guy. He laughed and said something I hadn't thought about. The Bible actually says man was not meant to be alone. It's right there in Genesis 2:18. And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

So it's obviously in man's nature that he seeks out a new wife. My Dave would be a mess without me. It would spoil heaven for me if I thought he was trying to go it alone and missing me so terribly. But I would like him to wait a LITTLE while. LOL But for myself, I don't see me replacing him. He'd be a hard man to replace for one thing. I'm spoiled. He does so many things and does them so well. And he's always trying to please me. Well, except that refusal to build me a master bathroom thing. :)

How about you? I know this is slightly morbid, but we're all going to face eternity at some point. How would you feel if your spouse remarried? Do you think he/she would mourn or replace?


Colleen Coble  
posted at 6:16 AM  
  Comments (18)
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At 7:25 AM, Blogger Diann Hunt said...

He'd replace. But doggone him he'd better wait longer than three months! RESIST those pot roast slinging widows! Resist, I say!!!!!

I want him happy, but I'd like to think a pot roast and potato salad wouldn't snag him at the funeral dinner. :-)

At 9:17 AM, Blogger Kimberly said...

He'd replace! He just couldn't be alone. I'm not sure how quickly he'd do it because our very opinionated children would give him a piece of their collective minds about replacing me.

I would want him to find someone that made him happy, but not too soon!!

At 10:24 AM, Blogger Kristin said...

At my age, I see this in divorce (sadly in the Christian community too.) And these men weren't great husbands the first time, so at least widowers had some success. Honestly, one of our friends already dating, I didn't know how he snagged the first one.

The way I think of the widowers though, is if they've gone thru illness with the woman, they've already been alone for a long time. Men are lame at taking care of themselves. You can quote me with that one. LOL

At 10:44 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

We have a running joke that he would have to remarry within 6 weeks because he honestly wouldn't know what to do (and we have four kids). And that since I would be a mom with four kids, it would take me years to find the time (or a man) to even date. I know it would take him much longer than that but I am sure he would replace me. I would hope so for my kids as well.

At 11:40 AM, Blogger Colleen Coble said...

I cracked up at your comment, Di! :) I can just see the pot roast slinging widows. LOL

Guys in general just need us. It's nice to be needed. :)

At 1:40 PM, Blogger Tonya said...

I was tempted to say its that thing that someone said how guys are waffles & woman are spaghetti. Guys have all these little compartments when with women everything is connected. That's why woman don't let go as quickly but you are right that they also need help!
Your post just drives home what my mom always told me "guys don't pine , neither should you" when she first started telling me this when I was a teenager I was like "WHAt???" but when my brother had his first real breakup i got it. I felt so sorry for him& was trying to be nice. He just looked at me and said "we broke up I'm not going to get all depressed over it" and he just went on.

At 1:28 AM, Blogger Ruthie said...

We were talking about this very subject on our way to church last Sunday! I have ASKED my DH to replace. He has cared for me for so long that if I were to die, he would have no reason to get up in the morning. So he needs a wife to take care love and to cherish, yes, but also to care for and protect.

The conversation between my DH and I originated in two phone conversations with dear friends, one a new widow and the other the friend of a man whose wife just died. Both spouses were ill and when they died the remaining spouse got horribly depressed. I think that idea of suddenly no longer being needed is so debilitating to the human psyche the and only thought (at least from a man's perspective) is to remarry as soon as possible. In the people I have known who have done this it's worked pretty well.

At 9:39 AM, Blogger Chris Jager - Baker Book House-fiction buyer said...

He'd replace, he has already said that. I did say he had to wait or I would haunt him. At least a year and no quicky marriage after dating a week.

The only thing is I am not sure how he would connect with anyone as he is clueless about woman who are coming on to him. It is funny to watch, but I am really glad to say it isn't a temptation for him now. It would just be a challange to one of those pot roast slinging widows. :-D

At 9:43 AM, Blogger Ane Mulligan said...

I agree with Diann! LOL But seriously, if they rush too fast to remarry, they haven't had time to grieve and are trying to replace their wife. My worry is that marriage might find itself in trouble.

On the other hand (isn't there always) if the marriage was uber good, it's a testimony to it that they want to remarry so soon.

But a 6-month wait before dating should be mandatory. LOL

At 9:46 AM, Blogger Chris Jager - Baker Book House-fiction buyer said...

By the way, I don't think I would remarry right away. He is such a good guy breaking in another one would be hard work and I am not up for that. LOL Maybe that is why a widower would be nice as he already would know the ropes. :-D

At 9:59 AM, Blogger Timothy Fish said...

I'm no position to answer the question, since I've never been married, but I think part of the reason older men remarry after their wives die is because of the availability of suitable women. Women tend to outlive their husbands and most churches have an abundance of widows. And though these women may not be out to get a man, some of them will take care to talk to the newly widowed man. Either a friendship develops or a friendship has already existed. Men tend to view things logically, so while they don't love their first wife any less, it is pointless to wait a long time before remarrying when they know that's what they'll do eventually anyway.

At 12:10 PM, Blogger Hannah Alexander said...

This is a great question, Colleen, and you girls have great answers. I've talked to Mel about this a few times, and every time he gets this shocked look on his face and doesn't want to talk about it. My concern is for his happiness, so he has to choose the right woman. So girls, please, if something happens to me, would you guide him through it? As soon as I'm dead I'll be happy, so I don't care how long he waits or doesn't wait. I can't stand the thought of him feeling so alone. I really would prefer that he die before I do. That may sound horrible, but I've always wanted my mother and my husband to go first so they don't feel as if they've been left alone.

At 1:53 PM, Blogger Crystal Laine said...

My dad and mom were married 45 years when mom died. Dad was a mess. I tried to do some things for him, but he wouldn't even eat at home (went to the local diner) if he could help it. He didn't want to talk about it. And then he married this woman he dated for THREE weeks (he hadn't seen this woman since they were 14, so it was a whirlwind.)

We were devastated because she turned out to be a piece of work! ( God rest her soul--she is now dead, too.)

Anyway, he died two years after mom died. (Leaving us to deal with his bride.) For one year he lived in misery with this woman before succumbing to death himself. He'd had a silent heart attack when mom died, so he died of a broken heart literally (not to mention his second wife nagged him to death.)

But if the woman was a blessing and if she truly would be a helpmeet for him, that is different. My husband and I had to deal with my dad's second wife and heard my dad say, "I don't love her, but maybe I'll learn to love her." Then he heard my dad say, "Never remarry." (He told this to his sister when her husband died.)So, would my husband think of my dad's second wife when I die?? Maybe. :)

By the way women threw themselves at my dad when mom died. It was amazing to see. He tried to date a woman who was our neighbor growing up whose husband died shortly before my mother died--they were all friends--and I think if she would've just had dinner with him once in a while, he would have avoided this complete meltdown. They knew each other, each other's kids, and we really liked her and she liked us. But she wouldn't see anyone, even as friends. She never remarried before she died. I'm not sure the way she dealt with grief was good either.

Dr. Richard Mabry wrote a book that really helps, I think, when a spouse dies. I don't think it is macabre to discuss because we all will die eventually. As we age (so many people I am related to have died in their 40s/50s) we need to be prepared for life without our spouse--one way or another.

At 1:53 PM, Blogger Crystal Laine said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 11:40 PM, Blogger Kara said...

We were talking about this recently. And I told my DH that I don't mind if he replaces me (eventually - not after three months!) but that I want to be cremated and my ashes kept on the mantle so she knows I'm watching her!

At 3:45 PM, Blogger Colleen Coble said...

Great comments, friends! They will be super helpful. :)

At 9:51 AM, Blogger questfor christ said...

Well I guess men would die if they are left to stay alone. I came to believe this 2 weeks ago, my mum passed on a month ago, 21st may 2014, n my dad asked another woman to marry him even before mum was buried, huh!!! he is a devout Christian, I can testify for him, i actually didn't think he will ever remarry since they loved each other so much, Dec 31st this year could have been their 35th anniversary,i concluded that men justcant stay alone, but at least they should give themselves time to heal n grieve the wife of their youth.

At 9:51 AM, Blogger questfor christ said...

This comment has been removed by the author.


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The Authors
Kristin Billerbeck
Kristin Billerbeck is a proud Californian, wife, mother of four, and connoisseur of the irrelevant. She writes Christian Chick Lit; where she finds need for most of the useless facts lulling about in her head.

Colleen Coble

Colleen Coble writes romantic suspense with a strong atmospheric element. A lovable animal of some kind--usually a dog--always populates her novels. She can be bribed with DeBrand mocha truffles.

Denise Hunter

Denise Hunter writes women's fiction and love stories with a strong emotional element. Her husband says he provides her with all her romantic material, but Denise insists a good imagination helps too.

Diann Hunt

Diann Hunt writes romantic comedy and humorous women's fiction. She has been happily married forever, loves her family, chocolate, her friends, chocolate, her dog, and well, chocolate.

Hannah Alexander

Cheryl Hodde writes romantic medical suspense under the pen name of Hannah Alexander, using all the input she can get from her husband, Mel, for the medical expertise. For fun she hikes and reads. Out of guilt, she rescues discarded cats. She and Mel are presently taking orders from four pampered strays.

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