Yesterday, I watched a "Dr. Phil" while folding laundry -- and of all things, it was a reunion show of this French Mama's boy. Since he'd been on, his mother had managed to break up his marriage, and his big show of independence was to tell Mama (on the show, cuz he was skerd, that he was friends with his ex-wife behind his Mama's back.)
Are you kidding me?? But this brings me to my point, why would any woman date this loser? Fixer-uppers are fine for a house, but girls, really, if he's a fixer-upper, you have to set yourself a time limit and see if any renovations actually take place. I mean, if the foundation is shaky, you don't have a fixer-upper, you have a LOSER!
So here is my fool-proof test for whether a man is worthy of you or not. Okay, I just made it up, so it's not really fool-proof. LOL It's probably not even worthy of a Cosmo quiz, but I am a student of people.
1. He takes responsibilities for his actions! (If he's late to pick you up, he has a legitimate reason. He does not blame someone else.) The guy on Dr. Phil had an excuse for everything! He couldn't find a job because...insert long excuse. He had to live in his Mommy's house because part time work only paid a little, and he'd have to drive a scooter if his Mommy didn't give him the Mercedes.
Now, you all may see this as obvious, but it didn't start out obvious, so you have to look for the small excuses of his behavior. Everyone makes mistakes. Just make sure he owns up to them!
2. He does not think of you as the "good for now" girl until someone prettier/thinner/smarter comes along. Is he always looking around the room in a crowd? Make sure he's capable of focus -- if he's not, he's not capable of commitment. This is also called delusional thinking. When you are unemployed and living with your mama, if you have a girlfriend, dude, that's the best you can get.
3. He loves not with word and tongue, but in deed and in action. Oh my gosh, the smooth talkers are everywhere. Does he open your door? Does he know your favorite flower? Music? Do you know his? If he can name his mama's, but not yours, RUN!
4. He wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him -- you don't have to chase him, you don't have to leave him fourteen texts before he texts back. This is never a good sign. If his phone rings with, "You are so Beautiful" for his mother, again, RUN!
5. He knows the map on his video game verbatim, but needs GPS to find your house. If he has one too many hobbies, it can make for a lonely life. Don't think that will change after marriage. Make sure you do some of them together!
I watched "The Bachelor" this week, and I'm still trying to figure out why any of these women consider these men candidates. They need my test. They really do. Feel free to add your tidbit and maybe we can help the women of America!
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19 Comments:
HI Kristin, Bethanie has returned after several months of not reading the blog.
I find this post interesting as I recently got engaged!
While I know my man loves me to pieces, he really struggles to be independent as he still lives at home and has mummy who wants to treat him like a 5 year old and do EVERYTHING for him. Do you know how much this annoys the hell out of me? I have been living on my own for a few years now, I moved out at 22, then moved back at 23 and out again at 25. However, my parents and I have a completely different relationship than my Andrew and his parents!
I am very much looking forward to marrying my man, but also a bit apprehensive on how it's going to go and how we are going to get past some hurdles (since his brother's marriage lasted 6 months before his mother annoyed the heck out of the wife and she walked out... fortunately they are back together now and have sorted things out.) I'm worried that my mother in law will try to butt in too much in our relationship, I mean, she already does... However at least I'm aware of it, and it's something we are working towards keeping boundaries etc.
Of course, Andrew DOES know where I live, hates to be late and will let me know if he is going to be, and I'm the only girl he ever looks at... so does he pass?
LOL!
Bethanie
PS sorry for a long winded post, it all just blurted out!
I unfortunately kissed too many toads before finding THE Prince Charming, and I see now the three things about my hubby that I missed before.
First, he's HONORABLE. He always does the right thing - big or small, whether anyone's looking or not.
Second, because he is so good, he makes me want to be a better person. He causes me to look and think UP, rather than dragging me down.
Third, he CHERISHES me - but he's not a doormat. He remains a strong independent man, who happens to love and adore his wife.
Great post, Kristin.
Great post, Kristin.
Regarding the Bachelor, I cannot figure out how those girls think they are madly in love with a guy who is essentially intimately dating other women at the same time and declaring himself to be in love with all at the same time.
Then it comes down to the wire and he suddenly knows which one of all the women he's in love with he loves the most and proposes. How does the one he picks deal with the fact he spent a night in the fantasy suite with two other women?????
All this happens in the course of about six weeks time. No wonder the Bachelor has such a poor track record. The only ones who seem to have something good come out of it are Tricia and Ryan.
Now they're going to have a Bachelorette show with one of the girls who got left at the podium in the last Bachelor show. The one where the guy admitted he couldn't go through with picking anyone. At least he was honest about it. More than most of them have been.
Great post!
I think this would be perfect for Cosmo readers. Yesterday, I read on cosmo.com "How to catch a man in 30 days". It was very eye opening. As a single girl, I would never do most of their suggestions.
For example, on Day 1 I was told to email all friends and let them know I'm looking for a man...any man.
I guess this is a good suggestion except I’m not looking for any man. However, I did get a good laugh out of their suggestions.
Bethanie, my suggestion is to insist that you move out of town upon your marriage. That will help bond you to one another and break the too close tie to his mama.
Colleen, we do live in a big city, and I live quite a few suburbs away (too far according to his mum!) and we'll be living at my place when we get married. So that will be good. I'd love to move away, but unless we move to another state, neither of us would be able to get work! And the nearest city is a 40hours drive away.
Australia is a spread out place...
But I am definitely not planning on living within a 10 min drive of their place anytime! Hehe
Even thought I'm hopelessly single, I still say it's better to be single and happy than married and miserable. :) Too many folks fall in love with the idea of falling in love and the romance of a wedding - forgetting that it all takes work to sustain the joy and wonder for a lifetime...
Anyway, here's food for thought... (Remember, I have never been married and have no prospects, so take this with a grain of salt...)
"Men are like parking lots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!" :D
Valerie, you are so right! My best friend hasn't got married and she has a great life. I'm envious when I've been to one too many soccer game sometimes.
Bethanie, here's the thing, it's all right that he's with his Mama, if he knows YOU come before his mama when he's married. His kids come before Mama. That's the test and make sure he passes that one!! Because it is very hard to respect a man who can't stand up for you.
Colleen,
Your advice is spot-on! My father is a minister and he always advised couples to move at least 100 miles away from each set of parents for at least the first 2 years of their marriage. It helps the couple rely on each other and it makes it harder to run home to Mama.
He knows what he's talking about, too. Dad is from Southwest Kansas and Mom is from Northern Maine. When he pulled out of Mom's parents' driveway after their wedding and saw the look on their faces, he said, "If she is leaving her parents, I am leaving mine." After he finished college that year, they settled halfway in between - Ohio. (We've since moved to PA.)
Kristin, I have to add one I heard today. A bachelor (he's in his mid- 30s) we know has been dating this woman who's 24. He gave her a key to his house (supposedly to come over to let his dog out mid-day) and sort of threw it at her--"Here. Guess you can have this."
She looks at him and says, "Does this mean something new in our relationship?" He gets all defensive and says, "Wha? You want me to wrap it up and give you flowers with it??"
Anyway, there is a reason this guy still isn't married and why he has bad relationships. This woman should have tossed it back to him and said, "Hire a dog walker."
You are so good--great list. I should send it to this girl...especially the one about his hobbies.
You know what the problem is, Crystal. Women always think it's them. It doesn't dawn on them, the guy might have the problems. Maybe that's being young and learning to appreciate things, who knows?
But I'll bet that guy really thought he was giving something of himself, huh? Wouldn't it be great to have the perfect line when you're surprised like that, "I can let your dog out for you? With this key? Really, can I?" Sheesh.
More bad signs:
He takes you to a comic book convention.
You double date with a professional wrestler and his wife.
When people learn you're dating, they respond, "Really? I thought he was gay."
Hey. I LIKE comic book conventions!
LOL
Kristin - we're working on it. I know his intentions is always to put me first, it just doesn't always happen yet... but he's getting there :) And I think once he's not LIVING with his mother, it will make it a bit easier!
And it's our anniversary this weekend, he said I can decide what we shall do, so I'm a bit stuck. I wanna do something different. No idea what though.
Spose I have 24hours to think about it LOL.
No offense to comic book conventions in general, so I'll explain a step further. He sends out Christmas cards of himself dressed in a Superman costume. Or a dirty elf.
And it was actually a Star Trek/comic book convention. I'd never been to one before, and he didn't explain that there would be scary people in costume.
For my birthday movie, we went to see "Return to Me." For his, we went to see "Road Trip." At least mine had David Duchovny to satisfy the "X-Files" fan. His had a guy putting a mouse in his mouth.
Angela, I don't think the problem is the conventions, the problem is that some of these guys would rather have a relationship as Spock. : )
One more thing to add to your list. I had to cancel my date minutes before because my girlfriend needed some quality girl time. He was okay with that and went fishing.
And when we did get together, my guy took the time to take out my garbage!!!! Without asking....
Nice :o)
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