I’m committed—or I should be. Okay, I know what you’re picturing here. Men in white coats carrying me off to a place of isolation. Don’t give my husband any ideas, all right? It’s not that kind of committed. I’ve committed myself to a diet.
Even saying that word makes me hungry. Why is that? I mean, once I decide to diet, all I can think of is food. I go to the bank, and the teller has a cheeseburger head. Counter girl at the drycleaners? Twinkie. I can’t even tell you what writing this is doing to me. I may eat my computer before I’m finished.
It all happens innocently enough. I notice a lady in our church has lost some weight. She was pretty before she lost the weight, but now she’s gorgeous. Now just because I might lose weight does not guarantee I will look like her, anymore than I can have hair that looks like Jennifer Aniston’s just by wearing the same style (which of course is impossible since her hair is long and mine is, well, not). I won’t even go into the fact that I have hair follicles like Yul Brynner.
Anyway, she tells me she lost this weight by—are you ready for this--counting calories. Who knew?
Just listening to her motivational speech on dieting hooks me. I enthusiastically nod along with her, wanting desperately to sign on the dotted line. I tell her right then and there I am committed to do this diet thing. That’s when she drops the bomb.
She proceeds to tell me that she signed up at work. “The deal was we sign a statement saying how much we want to lose, then on Monday when we check our weight, if we’ve lost weight, we pay nothing. If we maintained the same weight as the week before, we pay $2. If we gain weight, we pay $5.” Her eyes grow wide and sparkly here, “Hey, you can pay me if you don’t stick to it,” she says as though she’s handed me the Gold Medal. By now I’m having visions of my life savings waving goodbye.
I hear myself gulp and I smile. “Okay,” I squeak and walk away.
Today was day one. My dog is starting to resemble barbecued chicken. My husband smells suspiciously like a
But I will do this. Our retirement is at stake.