This has been happening to Kevin for years, and I've made fun of him numerous times. But this week, it finally happened to me.
It all started with a pair of jeans that needed altered. Now, first let me tell you, I have no idea what it's like to walk into a store and find a pair of jeans that fit right off the rack. Never happens. I have a, shall we say, difficult-to-fit shape. Remember the female characters on Lilo and Stitch? All hips and thighs? Well, that's me. By the time I find a pair of pants big enough for my derriere, the waist is two inches too big. If I'm lucky.
So back to the jeans. I get them back from having the waist taken in and slip into them to make sure they fit. "Slip" might be a little kind. I am actually kind of shimmying and tugging, and I honestly wonder if those chocolates Kevin bought me had already made their way to my back side.
To say the rear end is snug is putting it mildly. I know there is only one thing to do: Squats. So down I go, all the way to the floor, feet flat, knees poking me in the eyes. I sit there a while and bounce for good measure. After a couple minutes I stand back up and look in the mirror, frowning. Still tight.
But that's okay, I have another trick in my bag. Lunges. I'm still pretty flexible, so I can take a lunge all the way down to the floor in kind of a half split. Now, don't try this at home unless you're prepared for a very unflattering view of your thighs. I stretch with the right leg out, then switch to my left leg. I'm hopeful this is going to do the trick, but if not, I know I can resort to the spray bottle--everyone knows wet jeans stretch better. (Oh, come on, I can't be the only one.)
I'm sitting there stretching, getting ready to stand, and I take one last bounce for good measure. That's when it happened. R-I-I-I-I-I-P-P! I can't believe it, but I stand up and look in the mirror and sure enough. It's happened. Not only did they rip--and I'm a little embarrassed to admit this--but it didn't even rip in a seam. It ripped right in the middle of the denim. My back side split denim. This is not something I'm proud of. Not even Kevin has managed this, as he was quick to point out when I told about the episode.
So I took the jeans back to the store last night and relayed the whole sorry tale. Okay, I might have left out the bouncing part. The good news is they took the jeans back. The bad news? I had to go up a size. :-(