I'm doing my first booksigning this weekend at a real life store. (Sam's Club on Camino in Sacramento from 12 p.m. to 2 p.m. if you want to come point at the lonely girl!) A few years ago, I went with my mother and waited two and a half hours in Los Altos to meet Mary Higgins Clark. I had never actually read her, but my mother was gushing and pathetic. I'd never seen my stoic mother in such a frenzy, and I remember my mouth agape watching her.
"I love your stories!" is what she managed to get out.
Anyway, Ms. Clark was everything you want an author to be: She was elegant, dripping in ginormous jewels with a coiffed hairdo. She was fabulous! And watching my normally flatline mother stammer, sort of brought up the star power. That, and the 300 people in line. My signing won't be like this. I know that, but as I stood in the Clark line, I thought to myself,
I wonder why she does this? Clearly she doesn't have to.
But I do have to. And trust me, I'm grateful that my publisher would have me do this, I'm just worried that no one will actually care. I write beach reads with cartoon covers. Do people, trying to get the lowest-price-per-pound on a turkey, really care?
Plus, booksignings let people know that I may be a chick lit author, but I'm no longer a chick! It's a bust -- my secret is foiled! I don't have Mary Higgins Clark's elegance...it's nothing but a farce, a farce I tell you!
Even my beautiful convertible Volvo in the picture (that Colleen lovingly pasted in for me) is gone now . . .sucked away with my beloved, native Bay Area for higher, quieter ground. Camp grounds in a lot of ways. My new life is...well, it's not my life. Five minutes ago, my cat brought me a mouse. Earlier today, we came within inches of hitting a deer, the other night two raccoons. Last night, there was a centipede in my bathroom. There's a skunk living beside my driveway -- and I know how to get rid of him. We've done battle with rattlesnakes, wolf spiders and insects galore.
And the worst of it all--my shame and misery that I must confess. It's painful, but I feel I must be forthright. I, Kristin Billerbeck, am driving a minivan. Where, oh where, did my life go? When did I turn into Marlon Perkins? (Or the Crocodile Hunter for you youngins!) When did my house become a setting for Wild Kingdom and most importantly, when will it all end?
Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow, and I'll be living in the Presidio in San Francisco. Yeah, and I'll be driving a 645i convertible and I'll have a view of the Bay and I'll eat in North Beach, and feast on sauseetz and tiramisu and guzzle real espresso...I'm clicking my heels as we speak!!
There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Crap. Still here. Maybe I have to concentrate really hard like Christopher Reeve did in
Somewhere in Time.
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10 Comments:
I feel for you, Kristen, I really do. Can't make it all the way to Sacramento, but if it helps, I'D BE THERE IF I COULD. :-) btw, I've read your last four books--and I just turned 40 this year. Does it matter that I read them under the covers with a flashlight? Ha, ha, only kidding--it was a Bic lighter.
I keep making the mistake of reading your blog when it's late and I've got no reasonable brain cells left. But thanks for making me laugh (I drive a minivan too, she said with a sigh.)
CENTIPEDE??? Gaaaaaaaaaack!
To be honest, you don't look your age. Plus I think the extra maturity enables you to write about how 20-somethings should act instead of how they want to act.
Camy
What's wrong with a minivan? (I pretend I'm driving a Jeep when driving mine). They're perfectly fine (if you don't mind screaming, "I'm old!").
In fact, I'm buying a new one (to me) today. (This part is true, sadly. And it's not even red.)
we have centipedes, redback spiders, lizards and venomous snakes!
i've never seen a skunk. don't think i want to either...
LOL, Kris....I relate. I kicked, and cried, and screamed when I had to turn in my car when all the kids cam along! But I refused the minivan...stomped my feet and professed "I'm only in my early 30s"! (Yeah, that was a couple of years ago) So we compromised and got a SUV.
About the clicking your heels part....maybe you should don a pair of Stilettos and try again! LOL
GOod luck on the booksigning! Wish I could be there to support you, but know I'm there in spirit! :)
Be careful what you wish for. Somewhere in Time was made on Mackinaw Island in Michigan. They don't allow cars on the island. Airplanes, however, are okay. Go figger. I'll be sure to post some of my roadkill recipes on my blog. I recommend the Whatsthat? Stew.
If you would do a Sam's Club signing in Kansas City I would stand in your line with my, yes, six gallons of milk. Hey it saves me six dollars a week, well worth the gas! Even cheapskates can dream about Prada.
As for centipedes...have you noticed that you can douse them in scalding water, and walk away (I don't even touch them dead--that's what husbands are for) and when you come back they are gone, in other words--ack!--alive? And I'm a country girl even.
Kristin, you'll always be a convertible girl at heart, that's what matters. :) Think of this as temporary exile until the kids get old enough you won't need a minivan anymore and on that same day you can trade it in for another.
I'd come to the booksigning but I'm afraid heel clicking will only put me right back here, unless I hop a plane. Unfortunately don't see that happening.
And btw my sister has gone through the entire Ashley series in four days.
She moved home last week after five years and by the second day was complaining of being bored so I went into the cave (space under my bed where books are stored) and came up with What a Girl Wants and said, "here, there are three of them. This should keep you from being bored." First chick lit she ever read. She also used to live in California and dated a few guys that worked in Silicone Valley so I think she related.
After she finished the first one I got a whole stack of books and placed it beside her bed with the next two on the top. The first Spa Girls is in there too. I'd love to see what a Lily Jacobs original would look like. :)
Colleen, she already read Distant Echoes on the mainland and it made her homesick. She's been bugging me about Black Sands. I finally located a copy last night and plan to pick it up this weekend. Out of seven bookstores I've been checking one finally turned up. About time. I hate the fact everything gets shipped in. It takes way too long for me to get books. Definite trade offs for living in paradise. :)
Anyone want to do a temporary switch of lives?
Somehow I'm hearing the theme song from "Green Acres..."
Just drive it like you've got the top down. :)
~~Lynette
You're my favorite author so I'd be there...only I doubt I could convince my husband to let me fly to CA just for a book signing. He has been bugging me about joining Sam's Club, though...
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