Girls Write Out
Friday, September 08, 2006
I forgot to tell you the other thing that happened at the pool party. I've been married 35 years next month. I'm not used to deflecting passes from other guys. Heck, I'm in my fifties! I'm no longer a size 8 either. LOL

Anyway, this couple came to the party. I knew they might have a problem when they brought their own booze. I noticed them making several forays into the kitchen to restock, but didn't think much about it. When I was helping clean up, they were the only ones left. My sweet daughter in law Donna told them I was a writer. She proudly brought out the Real Woman magazine to show my picture on the cover. The guy starts making noises about REAL Woman. The next thing I know, he sidles alongside me, PUTS HIS ARM AROUND MY WAIST and whispers. "You want romance, I'll show you romance."

Okay, are you like me? I'm totally got. I have no idea how to respond. Hit him? No, I don't want to embarrass my kids. I keet my head down and don't look at him for fear of inciting him more. I sidle away and give a nervous laugh. I laugh when I'm nervous, doggone it. HE FOLLOWS ME and does it again. Arm around my waist. "You're laughing but I'm serious," he says.

Now I'm getting majorly annoyed. I'm not sure whether to burst into tears or run to the bathroom. AND HIS WIFE IS RIGHT THERE IN THE ROOM! Are they swingers? What? Sheesh. I pull away, rather forcefully this time, and begin to scrub the stove with vigor. He gets the message. Whew. When it's all over, a million quips come to mind. Why couldn't I think of them at the time? Sheesh, I'm so lame. What would you have done?
Colleen Coble  
posted at 7:45 AM  
  Comments (28)
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At 8:20 AM, Blogger Diann Hunt said...

I'd have looked him square in the eye and said, "Take a cold shower, Little Man. I'm married to the king of love." ROTFLOL!

At 8:37 AM, Blogger Katy said...

Do you think they WERE swingers? I know a couple not unlike this. The man makes inappropriate comments to the women at a party, and the wife doesn't seem to notice/mind. It's so unnerving!

Diann's comment is PERFECT, especially calling the lout "Little Man." Calling any guy "little" would surely cool his jets. :)

I've read about men who imagine what romance writers are like. He needs to read a bit more deeply. You're not all bubble baths and bon-bons!! ;)

Katy McKenna

At 8:42 AM, Blogger Colleen Coble said...

Our Di is always quick with the great quips, isn't she? Gosh, I wish I'd said that!

And Katy, I write about MURDER! Doesn't he know what I could do with the knife? LOL

At 8:49 AM, Blogger Kristy Dykes said...

The jerk! I'm incensed for you!

"You want romance, I'll show you romance," he said.

"I prefer romance with a REAL man," I say. "He's over there," I add, tipping my head in my husband's direction.


I would've been as tongue-tied as you were.

I think you did the right thing.

Move away.

Give him the cold shoulder.

How about this? I'm a pastor's wife, and our church is the huggingest church in the U.S.A. Every Sunday morning, they all hug me, men, women, children, sweet breath, bad breath, B.O., perfumed, old men who pull me too close and...gasp...squeeze me, you name it, I get the hugs.

Sometimes I'm all hugged out, but I always remember, "I will be all things to all people that I may win some," the Apostle Paul said.

Help me to endure, Lord. And to be sweet about it.

At 8:57 AM, Blogger Colleen Coble said...

We're huggers in our church too, Kristy. But you can sure tell the difference! LOL

At 9:05 AM, Blogger Jaime said...

I get stuff like that where I work - believe it or not men think Cell phone store managers are cute. Gag.

I just look them square in the eye and say, "my husband would have a serious issue with this". If they don't get it from that, I say "let me get my husband on the phone and I'll ask and see". They usually take a hike pretty fast when I pick up the phone to dial. OH! yes! AND .. what's even better is when my husband is working with me that day and standing right next to me!!! :) One guy asked me out for cocktails and my husband goes, "HEY! That's MY wife!" The guy was so befuddled he sputtered "guess I'll be buying two sets of cocktails!"

It IS awkward though. I had one man come up and rub my neck once and I skewered him with a look and said, "get your hands off me". That was in Montana and my Montana-girlfriend replies to the drunk man, "you don't want to mess with the Northern girls"! Had to die laughing at the look on his face. I think he thought I was coming after him with a knife! :)

Colleen ... I totally understand your nervous giggle ... just run straight to the husband and he will take care of it for you. Believe you me! :) :) :)

At 9:10 AM, Blogger allen said...

Heel stomp to the top of the foot, elbo to the stomache, drop your fist down for a sharp backhand fist to the he bends over, a qick upward knee to his nose or forehead...

"How's that for romance, stud."

Sorry, infidelity really bugs me and jerks like that make the rest of us guys look bad.

At 9:11 AM, Blogger allen said...

Okay, seriously violence probably isn't the right thing...probably. But I'm a writer and sometimes the imagination comes up with some wild ideas.

At 9:34 AM, Blogger Kristy Dykes said...

I just called my daughter in San Juan for her to repeat something she said when we saw an old geeser driving a red convertible Porsche.

Big cajones!

She said you could've said to that man, "What big cajones you have there!"

Interpreted in Spanish, it means: "Wow, what big balls you have, to come up to me and say that!"


At 9:36 AM, Blogger Kristy Dykes said...


That's pronounced "ca - hone - us," in case you ever need to know.


At 10:24 AM, Blogger Denise Hunter said...

What a jerk. His poor wife. When something like that happens, I say something like, "I don't think my husband would like that."

You, on the other hand, could say. "I actually write murder mysteries. Would you like to be my next victim?"

At 10:42 AM, Blogger Malia Spencer said...

Yikes! Can't imagine what'd I do. I didn't handle it very well when something happened to me at work. One of the soldiers decided to get cute, pick me up and put me over his shoulder to walk around the warehouse a little. I started yelling at him to put me down. He was laughing but I was furious. He finally put me down and I stomped off to my office to cool down.

Unfortunately for him his NCO came in my office a few minutes later and asked how my day was. She got an earful and he got a write up. He had no right to put his hands on me!

If I ever decide to write chick-lit I'll set it around a military base. I have a lot of attempted pick-up stories to tell. :)

At 12:47 PM, Blogger Kristin Billerbeck said...

Can't blame a guy for trying. Wee little man. LOL

At 1:41 PM, Anonymous Pam S. said...

I agree with Denise. I feel sorry for his wife. Imagine having to put up with a husband like that!

As to what I would have said...? Rats! I would have said and done the same thing you did--and would have kicked myself for not saying something witty.

At 3:19 PM, Blogger Katy said...

About hugging in church or anywhere else: I too go to a huggy church, and in general am completely comfortable with hugging and being hugged. Some years back, the huggy church we attended had about 1500 members. And every week for months, this particular man happened to find me alone in a hall (going to pick up a child from children's church or something) and practically accosted me!!! (Married man with two children) He'd tell me how beautiful and soft my hair looked, and how he loved my high heels, and how he wished HIS wife would dress like I did....So Creepy! It was like he had radar and knew how/where to find a woman when her husband/father/boyfriend wasn't around. I learned not to walk in those church corridors alone. And I learned that all hugs are NOT created equal and to trust my instincts and NOT give that guy the benefit of the doubt.

He's done this to many other women, as well, some half my age. It wasn't my imagination.

But Colleen, I too would have been speechless.

Katy McKenna

At 5:18 PM, Blogger Ane Mulligan said...

Di has it right! And I kind of like Allen's answer! ROFLOL

I HATE men like that!!!

At 5:19 PM, Blogger Ane Mulligan said...

I nned to qualify my last answer. I didn't mean Allen - LOL! I meant the flirt.

At 12:47 AM, Anonymous kt said...

Blech! I wouldn't have been able to contain my disgust if some drunken husband of some woman came up and touched my waist. I'd have been like, "Eww.." and left the room.
I have little patience with inappropriate flirtations.

At 1:01 AM, Blogger Julie Carobini said...

"You want injury? I'll show you injury."

(Guess I'm agreeing with Allen--lol. And Denise's comment about being a mystery writer and would he like to be the next victim? Funny--snortingly funny!)

At 3:15 AM, Blogger Pam S. said...

I wish I could be as brave as "kt." Wow! A one-sound put-down that says it all!

At 8:50 AM, Anonymous Kelly Killen said...

I would have done exactly what you did- but I am a big mouth so I probably would have embarrased him by saying something like "even if you were the last man on earth." Just take it as a compliment and try to stay away! Kelly Killen

At 9:29 AM, Anonymous Suzanne said...

I never know the right thing to say and I usually agonize for months until something finally pops into my head...and there it is stored for future use. *sigh* And then I forget.

Gross that this happened to you. About a year ago I was taking a walk in my neighborhood and was walking straight towards this one house and the front door was open, I wasn't trying to look but my eyes just went to the door...and there was an old ugly naked man. It was horrible. I got home and called my husband crying "purge my eyes..." and then I asked him to come home and make that memory go away....LOL

At 10:14 AM, Blogger GeorgianaD said...

Does he drive a big truck?

At 1:23 PM, Blogger Jenny said...

I always liked Paul Newman's comment--"Why settle for hamburger when I have steak at home?" The fact that the wife was there and watching, though, makes me wonder. Maybe they aren't swingers but they just are bored so they manufacture situations to get the other excited. Or maybe I've read one too many books...naw.
Now that you have all this feed back, don't you kind of wish for an opportunity to use it? In a book, of course.

Abundant blessings,
Jenny Cary

At 12:54 PM, Blogger allen said...

My wife was at a local restaurant the other day and the waiter started hitting on her. He claimed to be an artist and a writer. My wife, annoyed by the Casanova-wannabe, asked him what he’s written…he replied that he was ‘working on characters and stuff’. My wife replied with a litany of my writings. This slowed him down, but didn’t stop him. She invited me to the restaurant the next evening. I made sure to walk past him (being 6 foot seven, 300 pounds, has advantages). Strangely, he never came near the table again. If you still believe in chivalry let your husbands have some fun with the Casanovas. A couple of hundred years ago I would have slapped him with a gauntlet and challenged the poor sap to a duel.

At 10:35 PM, Blogger Colleen Coble said...

Why couldn't I be as fast on my feet as you guys! Gosh, you have some great comebacks. If it ever happens again, I'm better prepared. LOL

At 5:54 PM, Anonymous Audra said...

I would have said, "Maybe you should try showing your wife a little romance."
If that didn't work, you could always ask him if he would mind being a ginny pig for a murder scene you need to work out.
I can't stand men like that. What a jerk!

At 12:11 AM, Blogger C. H. Green said...

I could think of a million retorts, but I'm like you, not at the moment it is happening. I think "You're not my type" might work. I like the little man comment too. Or maybe even little boy...if you really wanted to cut him. Maybe something along the lines of, it's time for some coffee and a reality check because you're that drunk and I'm not that stupid.


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The Authors
Kristin Billerbeck
Kristin Billerbeck is a proud Californian, wife, mother of four, and connoisseur of the irrelevant. She writes Christian Chick Lit; where she finds need for most of the useless facts lulling about in her head.

Colleen Coble

Colleen Coble writes romantic suspense with a strong atmospheric element. A lovable animal of some kind--usually a dog--always populates her novels. She can be bribed with DeBrand mocha truffles.

Denise Hunter

Denise Hunter writes women's fiction and love stories with a strong emotional element. Her husband says he provides her with all her romantic material, but Denise insists a good imagination helps too.

Diann Hunt

Diann Hunt writes romantic comedy and humorous women's fiction. She has been happily married forever, loves her family, chocolate, her friends, chocolate, her dog, and well, chocolate.

Hannah Alexander

Cheryl Hodde writes romantic medical suspense under the pen name of Hannah Alexander, using all the input she can get from her husband, Mel, for the medical expertise. For fun she hikes and reads. Out of guilt, she rescues discarded cats. She and Mel are presently taking orders from four pampered strays.

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