I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS
I forgot to tell you the other thing that happened at the pool party. I've been married 35 years next month. I'm not used to deflecting passes from other guys. Heck, I'm in my fifties! I'm no longer a size 8 either. LOL
Anyway, this couple came to the party. I knew they might have a problem when they brought their own booze. I noticed them making several forays into the kitchen to restock, but didn't think much about it. When I was helping clean up, they were the only ones left. My sweet daughter in law Donna told them I was a writer. She proudly brought out the Real Woman magazine to show my picture on the cover. The guy starts making noises about REAL Woman. The next thing I know, he sidles alongside me, PUTS HIS ARM AROUND MY WAIST and whispers. "You want romance, I'll show you romance."
Okay, are you like me? I'm totally got. I have no idea how to respond. Hit him? No, I don't want to embarrass my kids. I keet my head down and don't look at him for fear of inciting him more. I sidle away and give a nervous laugh. I laugh when I'm nervous, doggone it. HE FOLLOWS ME and does it again. Arm around my waist. "You're laughing but I'm serious," he says.
Now I'm getting majorly annoyed. I'm not sure whether to burst into tears or run to the bathroom. AND HIS WIFE IS RIGHT THERE IN THE ROOM! Are they swingers? What? Sheesh. I pull away, rather forcefully this time, and begin to scrub the stove with vigor. He gets the message. Whew. When it's all over, a million quips come to mind. Why couldn't I think of them at the time? Sheesh, I'm so lame. What would you have done?
24 Comments:
I'd have looked him square in the eye and said, "Take a cold shower, Little Man. I'm married to the king of love." ROTFLOL!
Our Di is always quick with the great quips, isn't she? Gosh, I wish I'd said that!
And Katy, I write about MURDER! Doesn't he know what I could do with the knife? LOL
The jerk! I'm incensed for you!
"You want romance, I'll show you romance," he said.
"I prefer romance with a REAL man," I say. "He's over there," I add, tipping my head in my husband's direction.
Not.
I would've been as tongue-tied as you were.
I think you did the right thing.
Move away.
Give him the cold shoulder.
How about this? I'm a pastor's wife, and our church is the huggingest church in the U.S.A. Every Sunday morning, they all hug me, men, women, children, sweet breath, bad breath, B.O., perfumed, old men who pull me too close and...gasp...squeeze me, you name it, I get the hugs.
Sometimes I'm all hugged out, but I always remember, "I will be all things to all people that I may win some," the Apostle Paul said.
Help me to endure, Lord. And to be sweet about it.
We're huggers in our church too, Kristy. But you can sure tell the difference! LOL
I get stuff like that where I work - believe it or not men think Cell phone store managers are cute. Gag.
I just look them square in the eye and say, "my husband would have a serious issue with this". If they don't get it from that, I say "let me get my husband on the phone and I'll ask and see". They usually take a hike pretty fast when I pick up the phone to dial. OH! yes! AND .. what's even better is when my husband is working with me that day and standing right next to me!!! :) One guy asked me out for cocktails and my husband goes, "HEY! That's MY wife!" The guy was so befuddled he sputtered "guess I'll be buying two sets of cocktails!"
It IS awkward though. I had one man come up and rub my neck once and I skewered him with a look and said, "get your hands off me". That was in Montana and my Montana-girlfriend replies to the drunk man, "you don't want to mess with the Northern girls"! Had to die laughing at the look on his face. I think he thought I was coming after him with a knife! :)
Colleen ... I totally understand your nervous giggle ... just run straight to the husband and he will take care of it for you. Believe you me! :) :) :)
Heel stomp to the top of the foot, elbo to the stomache, drop your fist down for a sharp backhand fist to the groin...as he bends over, a qick upward knee to his nose or forehead...
"How's that for romance, stud."
Sorry, infidelity really bugs me and jerks like that make the rest of us guys look bad.
Okay, seriously violence probably isn't the right thing...probably. But I'm a writer and sometimes the imagination comes up with some wild ideas.
I just called my daughter in San Juan for her to repeat something she said when we saw an old geeser driving a red convertible Porsche.
Big cajones!
She said you could've said to that man, "What big cajones you have there!"
Interpreted in Spanish, it means: "Wow, what big balls you have, to come up to me and say that!"
HEEHEEHEE!
Cajones.
That's pronounced "ca - hone - us," in case you ever need to know.
WINK.
Yikes! Can't imagine what'd I do. I didn't handle it very well when something happened to me at work. One of the soldiers decided to get cute, pick me up and put me over his shoulder to walk around the warehouse a little. I started yelling at him to put me down. He was laughing but I was furious. He finally put me down and I stomped off to my office to cool down.
Unfortunately for him his NCO came in my office a few minutes later and asked how my day was. She got an earful and he got a write up. He had no right to put his hands on me!
If I ever decide to write chick-lit I'll set it around a military base. I have a lot of attempted pick-up stories to tell. :)
I agree with Denise. I feel sorry for his wife. Imagine having to put up with a husband like that!
As to what I would have said...? Rats! I would have said and done the same thing you did--and would have kicked myself for not saying something witty.
Di has it right! And I kind of like Allen's answer! ROFLOL
I HATE men like that!!!
I nned to qualify my last answer. I didn't mean Allen - LOL! I meant the flirt.
Blech! I wouldn't have been able to contain my disgust if some drunken husband of some woman came up and touched my waist. I'd have been like, "Eww.." and left the room.
I have little patience with inappropriate flirtations.
"You want injury? I'll show you injury."
(Guess I'm agreeing with Allen--lol. And Denise's comment about being a mystery writer and would he like to be the next victim? Funny--snortingly funny!)
I wish I could be as brave as "kt." Wow! A one-sound put-down that says it all!
I would have done exactly what you did- but I am a big mouth so I probably would have embarrased him by saying something like "even if you were the last man on earth." Just take it as a compliment and try to stay away! Kelly Killen porga0527@comcast.net
I never know the right thing to say and I usually agonize for months until something finally pops into my head...and there it is stored for future use. *sigh* And then I forget.
Gross that this happened to you. About a year ago I was taking a walk in my neighborhood and was walking straight towards this one house and the front door was open, I wasn't trying to look but my eyes just went to the door...and there was an old ugly naked man. It was horrible. I got home and called my husband crying "purge my eyes..." and then I asked him to come home and make that memory go away....LOL
Does he drive a big truck?
I always liked Paul Newman's comment--"Why settle for hamburger when I have steak at home?" The fact that the wife was there and watching, though, makes me wonder. Maybe they aren't swingers but they just are bored so they manufacture situations to get the other excited. Or maybe I've read one too many books...naw.
Now that you have all this feed back, don't you kind of wish for an opportunity to use it? In a book, of course.
Abundant blessings,
Jenny Cary
My wife was at a local restaurant the other day and the waiter started hitting on her. He claimed to be an artist and a writer. My wife, annoyed by the Casanova-wannabe, asked him what he’s written…he replied that he was ‘working on characters and stuff’. My wife replied with a litany of my writings. This slowed him down, but didn’t stop him. She invited me to the restaurant the next evening. I made sure to walk past him (being 6 foot seven, 300 pounds, has advantages). Strangely, he never came near the table again. If you still believe in chivalry let your husbands have some fun with the Casanovas. A couple of hundred years ago I would have slapped him with a gauntlet and challenged the poor sap to a duel.
Why couldn't I be as fast on my feet as you guys! Gosh, you have some great comebacks. If it ever happens again, I'm better prepared. LOL
I would have said, "Maybe you should try showing your wife a little romance."
If that didn't work, you could always ask him if he would mind being a ginny pig for a murder scene you need to work out.
I can't stand men like that. What a jerk!
I could think of a million retorts, but I'm like you, not at the moment it is happening. I think "You're not my type" might work. I like the little man comment too. Or maybe even little boy...if you really wanted to cut him. Maybe something along the lines of, it's time for some coffee and a reality check because you're that drunk and I'm not that stupid.
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